American Idol: The Top 7 - Mariah Carey Night

American Idol, why must you torture me? First, you boot Michael Johns, and then you have an entire week dedicated to Mariah Carey? Are you kidding me?

Maybe it won't be as bad and painful as I anticipate, but I'm not holding my breath.

Let's get started then.

Oh, look, in the audience, it's Teri Hatcher, Murderess of Melody.

I don't care how many songs Mariah Carey has had at Number 1 on the charts, I barely know any of them, and I do not like the ones I do know.

David Archuleta (When You Believe) - Why am I not surprised that David A. is a huge Mariah Carey fan? His song choice sounds like everything he has sung to date. I am so bored. People are going to love this, because people love crap. (My dear readers excluded, I hope). Blahhhhhhhh. He sings the same kind of thing every week, and it is getting old. Got old for me about 3 weeks ago at least.

Carly Smithson (I Can't Live) - She looks fantastic! That is a beautiful dress, and a gorgeous necklace. The color is perfect on her. Home run, fashion wise. Very nice job working within her alto range, but then when she went up higher, it sounded strained and throaty and all over the place. I wish it had stayed how it was in the beginning. I ended up feeling kind of pained. At least she looked pretty. Randy is crazy, the beginning was the best part of the song.

Syesha Mercado (Vanishing) - Best so far, but that doesn't say much. I mean, she has a great voice, she sang the song really really well, but I just can't get her personality. She was kind of channeling Beyonce from Goldmember tonight. I guess she is the best yet, but. . . but, but, but. I don't know if I am going to remember her by the end of the night.

Brooke White (Hero) - No, but you know, but you know, why is she so inarticulate? She started out really shaky and off key. If she wasn't playing the piano, it would be even more obvious how off key she is. She was all over the place, the piano was boring, and didn't add much. She was randomly shouty for no reason. She looked super nervous, too. There was a closeup of her, and she was physically shaking like a leaf. Her dress was pretty, but that's the best thing I can say about the thing. And she doesn't shut her mouth when the judges are talking? Hush!!!

Kristy Lee Cook (Forever) - She's looking rather Barbie tonight. The song was not my least favorite. I mean, it was still Mariah Carey, it was still slightly sucky. Only slightly, though. Better than Brooke by a mile. She looked pretty. I guess that's something.



David Cook (Always Be My Baby) - He must have been so upset when he heard what the theme was this week. Again he starts a little low. Did he not get my note from last week (Mumble mumble, what?). It's just too low and kind of plodding. I can't really blame him, I blame Mariah Carey entirely. He tried his best to turn it into a Power Ballad, but it's hard to turn crap into gold. It's just always crap. Still, I think I will vote for him, because I don't want him gone. I cannot believe that Randy stood up for that. If he had gone up into a slightly higher key, it would have been soooooo much better. I think the judges really don't want him gone, because they are fawning over him so much. I mean, I don't want him gone, either, but they could have mentioned that you couldn't hear half of the song because it was too low. Just a mention.

Jason Castro (I Don't Want to Cry) - I think Mariah Carey was frightened of Jason's dreads. When she hugged him, she looked like she didn't want to touch them. I think Jason is the best of the night. He is still a bit nasal when he goes for the power notes, but he seemed to connect with the song better than in past weeks. The drums were kind of cool in the arrangement. The best part about it was that it didn't sound like a Mariah Carey song. Randy needs to leave the vague analogies to Simon. I thought this was the best performance of the night.

My bottom 3? Brooke, David A, and Carly. Brooke needs to go home after tonight, it was a total mess.

I think I will throw some votes out there for Jason and David Cook. Syesha and Kristy Lee were middle of the pack for me.

Please, please, please return to something decent next week? How about Songs You Like to Hear.

PLEASE?