Finale Alert: American Idol - Results show! 5.20.09

Just under 100,000,000 votes were cast last night - and for the season, there have been over 624,000,000 votes.

Let's have a montage of Randy's inability to articulate an accurate thought, for me, for you, dawg, then a montage of Kara's inappropriate terms of endearments towards people who suck, and then Paula's insane thesaurus-use (she looks lovely tonight, though a little orange), and finally Simon's problems hearing things sometimes. It was funny.

It's time to bring out Adam and Kris! The bothe look quite dapper, though I worry with their white outfits that we might be getting some terrible gospel-backup later on.

HEY - at least Kara's hideous coronation song didn't include superfluous gospel choirs! That's one plus. I bet Danny would have found a way to include them.

Mikayla Gorton got some work hanging with Kris' home town.

Carly Smithson has the parallel job for Adam's hometown.

The Top 13 (all in white, an Idol tradition), sang Pink's So What. I felt badly for Scott. They sounded pretty good together. It's a pretty shouty song, but fun.

I'd completely forgotten about Jorge. I have not forgotten about Alexis. Miss her. Jasmine Murray proved that they are singing live tonight instead of lip synching, by hitting some truly bum notes. Don't miss her.

David Cook took the stage, bathed in green light, proving that blue is not the only color in the lighting repetoire, singing Permanent, which is a song I have always taken to be about his brother, who just passed away... The song and his performance had me fighting back tears. And see, Adam? That's how you hit nice high notes in a rock song without screaching. Thanks for the schooling, David Cook. Let me pick my heart up off the floor now. He's amazing. Proceeds from iTunes downloads of that song tonight go to a charity to help find a cure for cancer. Awesome. Let's see if I can hold those tears back now.

It's time for stupid award time. For the first award, a man proved how you can mess up Mad World, and another proved that words help in a song, instead of strained whining. Elijah Scarlett and his ridiculously low and non-musical voice were next. Dean-Anthony Bradford gave a less restrained performance than Adam, and was terrifying. And lovely Norman Gentle, who hailed from Vermont. He actually had some great talent in there, if he could just tone it down. And the winner is - Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle! He accepted the "award" as Nick, and claimed that he had no idea he was going to win, but then he ripped off breakaway clothes and put on a performance in Norman Gentle best. He is somthing, that's for sure. And Seacrest wore his glasses and headband for a second. Funny.

It's time for a duet between Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah, singing Cue the Rain. Lil's hair has gotten even longer since her ouster, and Queen Latifah has a hairdo that looks rather like Lil's earlier shorter style. I love Queen Latifah, but I wish she hadn't worn the jumpsuit. Not a good idea for anyone, let along a woman with admirable curves. The jumpsuit craze needs to die, and not a slow painful death, please, but a quick death. Pull that bandaid off. It'll hurt less. Lil and Queen Latifah sounded pretty good together, but I still think that Lil made it way too far.

Who's up next? It's Anoop with Jason Mraz's I'm yours, along with Alexis Grace. And then Jason Mraz joined them! I love him. Alexis, sadly, sounded a little rough on some notes. I still really love her, though. The other finalists joined in on the chorus. The end of the song sounded good. I wish that Kris had gotten to sing with Jason Mraz, because I think they would be awesome together.

It's a retrospective montage of The Journey of Kris Allen. Kris started off modest, and stayed pretty humble. He's got that crooked smile and seems so genuine... my friends don't like the shapes his mouth makes when he sings, but I'm ok with it because I love the music that comes out of that mouth.

Now, he's singing a duet with Keith Urban, with Kiss a Girl. His voice sounded quite good on this kind of music. As much as I do not like country music, I could see Kris being a cross-over artist. He held his own with Mr. Nicole Kidman, that's for sure. I like Kris' voice more than Keith's, actually. Kris' laid back strumming might just be suited to cross-over... hmm. I would rather see him do pop, though, because I would more likely buy than.

And what's next in this musical extravaganza? It's a cover of Fergie's Glamorous, featuring Megan's inability to hold proper notes. After the girls do a less than stellar job, Fergie joins them looking like she just got out of a wind tunnel, after a bad dye job, at an S&M party. She strutted around on stage and did some very nasal singing of Big Girls Don't Cry, then, the rest of the Black Eyed Peas took the stage for Boom Boom Pow, their new single. Megan did some aisle dancing. Then, the music cut out for second. Did Fergie curse? It was like an awkward dance party with all the Idol Girls getting their collective groove on.

Back to the Idol Awards - Best Attitude. Bikini Girl is up first, and we get to see where Kara first got her bitch on. Delusional Alexis Cohen was next, and further delusional Tiffany Shedd, with her supportive mother. Bikini Girl won it, and of course took the stage in her bikini, fresh from the Oompa Loompa factory for her oranging. She looks to have had a boob job since the auditions, and Ryan said "I'd ask you what's new, but I think I know." She tortured America by singing again, and Kara was still better. She's dreadful and looks ridiculous. HA - ok, that got me laughing out loud - Kara joined her on stage, and indeed, totally showed her up. She also showed that natural skin tone is a thing of beauty. Nuff said. And then she ripped open her dress to reveal her bikini. Kind of. She didn't want to, and only opened it a little, but they are donating money to her favorite charity for doing it. Good for her. Though she may be a redundant judge, and a questionable Idol Anthem co-writer, she sure can sing.

Allison Iraheta and Cindy Lauper took the stage for Time After Time. Awesome. Is that a lap harp? Even more awesome. Allison still has very poor ennunciation. But, Cindy also walks too far aheh, and falls behih, so I guess it's a good duet. Both ladies are looking rather sedate tonight, and they sounded good together. I love this song.

Seacrest decided to check in with Kris' parents. They seem very sweet. And Adam's parents? I just found out that his dad went to high school in Vermont. Funny.

Danny Gokey took the stage next, with Hello, and he sounded very good. He did not call on the gospel choir, but he did call on the orchestra's violin section heavily. And of course, Lionel Richie joined him for a second song (which I didn't recognize - is it a new song?) Lionel Richie still has a great voice, and he and Danny sound quite good together. This song is kind of painful. Just chill? It's the companion song to Rent, which is genius in it's own right. After that short and awkard interlude, it's back to a Richie classic, All Night Long. Fun. Cheesy, but fun.

Now it's time to check out Adam's Idol Journey. He took the stage in... WHAT? shoulder pad cages? He looks like something out of a sci-fi cartoon. He certainly would put on a show, that's for sure. He's singing Beth, by Kiss, and was joined by the band. That's kind of awesome. Holy crap - Adam's got some insane platform boots on to match the band. Pyrotechnics abound. Guitars were smashed. Adam fans are going nuts right now. I just want him to stop screeching.

Carlos Santana took the stage next, and dude has some seriously god-like guitar skills. Matt Giraud got to sing Black Magic Woman accompanied by him, and it was nice, then all the others joined the stage for Smooth, led by Adam and then Jorge (who I do not miss. not at all). Kris sounded very nice on the song, and Danny got a nice solo, too. Together, they end up sounding a bit like an amateur choir. Not sure what it is about them together, but they just don't mesh well. Oh. Michael Sarver. I'd forgotten about him. There was some awkward air guitar, and someone forgot to escort Scott from the stage for a second. Oops.

Final Ford music video, with Adam and Kris singing I Will Remember You, to a montage of previous videos. They sounded quite good together. Then, David Cook presented the final 2 with their new 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrids. Thank you, Sponsor.

Megan Joy and Michael Sarver took the stage with... Steve Martin, on banjo. How odd. And hilariously, we got a shot of the telepromter with lyrics on it out in the audience. Bet they didn't want us to see that. These two sounded not too bad together. Megan's voice is oddly suited to kind of a bluegrass style. Steve Martin, on banjo? And he wrote the song. Very nice. He has a cd coming out. He says he hopes he wins the show.

Next Group number? Do You Think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart, sung by all the men. Predictably, enter Rod Stewart. He rose from the stage like a god, and sounded positively geriatric singing Maggie. Now, really. I think it's time to hang up the microphone, Rod. He hit all the notes, which is better than KC without his Sunshine Band and the other travesties of that results show, but the tone of his voice is so ... old. It's like your grandfather singing. I want to remember him in his better days, please. And he wasn't even accompanied by the Idol Boys. Just Rod. And according to Seacrest, he's touring this summer. Oh, please no.

Last Golden Idol - for Outstanding(ly Bad) Female. Started with Chelsea something being terrible, then Irene Angulova slaughtering Somewhere Over the Rainbow, then Dana Moreno, who wasn't too bad, until she tried to sing higher notes, and then she sounded like she was killing a cat. And last, Tatiana. She is winning this, and we are going to have to suffer her on our televisions one more time.

Predictably, she's won. Ryan told her they were out of time, and she rushed the stage and grabbed the microphone and sang Saving All My Love for You, evading "Security Guys" before getting wha-whaaaaa-ed to break. I'm so glad she didn't make the tour. I'm not going, but I just couldn't handle her getting any more exposure.

And in a feat of awesomeness, Kris and Adam dueted on We Are the Champions, with the surviving members of Queen. And.... what's this??? A GOSPEL CHOIR, Rock Style? Ok, so the song calls for it. At least they didn't wear robes, but they did wave their hands in the air. Gah. Anyhow, this duet is pretty danged awesome. I think that Kara and Paula were making out, or close to it. More pyrotechnics, and so much fog they could be performing on San Francisco streets.

FINALLY, the nitty gritty. Simon thinks that both of them were brilliant, and unusually incredibly nice people, and thinks the future is all theirs. The certified envelope was presented to Ryan very officially, and the lights dim.

The winner is....

KRIS!

I'm so happy. Adam will be a huge success, but Adam I think will be more radio friendly in the end, and I bet it was super close. Kris said it's awesome to win, but thinks that Adam deserved it. Humble to the end.

Instead of a mirror ball trophy, there is a newly created American Idol Trophy presented to him.

Simon was not standing with the rest of the judges. Embarrassed?

Only problem is, now Chris has to record and releast Kara's terrible No Boundaries crap-fest.

See, Adam fans? Don't despair. He doesn't have to release that pile of rubbish.

Kris sounded better tonight, but the song still sucks ass.

Kris mounted the stage behind the judges while the pyrotechnics crew did their best to set the stage on fire.

Congratulations, Kris! Wishing both him and Adam the best. Don't worry, I bet that Simon is signing Adam as we speak.